I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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