I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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