there's paper in my vomit.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
