I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
