I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
