Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
