I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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