what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
