bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
