I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
