Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
