i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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