You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
