who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
