im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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