I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
