i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
And then he peed in my hair
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