i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
