Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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