im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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