I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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