the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
