party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
