You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
