I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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