So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
