Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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