reminds me of losing my job
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it