I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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