2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
