Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
