Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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