Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My bed smells like the plague
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