Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
