When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
