i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Everything about him screamed your future.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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