Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
