She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
