You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
