dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he high fived his dick after we had sex
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
