quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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