Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
