And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
