he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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