buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
