just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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