Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."