Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.