is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue