u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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