I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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