I wish I could teleport
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
