I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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