so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
