How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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