your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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