WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
