I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
