my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
